Listed below are the five highest mountains in the North Island. The dates in brackets are when I first reached the summit.
1. Ruapehu 2,797m (December 2008)
2. Egmont 2,518m (October 2009)
3. Ngauruhoe 2,291m (July 2006)
4. Tongariro 1,978m (January 2005)
5. Hikurangi 1,754m (October 2008)
It’s 10:30 pm. It’s dark. We’re halfway up a steep slope trying to put our crampons on. We can’t see the track markers in the pitiful light emitted by our headlamps. Half of the poles are covered in snow and ice anyway. Why are we doing this? Because it’s an eagerly awaited family holiday!We didn’t leave Auckland until after 1 pm on Friday, and after driving for six hours we finally reached the Dawson Falls carpark at 7 pm. A few last minute things are crammed into already full packs, then it is off up the track to Syme Hut. The hut is situated on top of Fantham’s Peak, a parasitical peak on the side of Mt. Egmont, at an altitude of 1960m. This means that we have to climb 1100 vertical metres from the carpark.
The track begins by winding its way through bush, and soon we encounter the first of the hundreds of steps on the path. We revel in the crisp mountain air, and the beauty and wildness of our surroundings. After a while we emerge into the subalpine scrub but our view of the mountain is obscured by a swathe of cloud just above the snow line. Here the steps begin in earnest. Many of them are topped by puddles or mudholes, keeping us on our toes as we trudge through the gloaming.
The first patches of snow appear beside the track after the sun has set. We walk through snow lying in the track. Suddenly wooden stairs rear up in front of us. The ice-coated steps are treacherous and demand careful attention. The staircase goes up, up, up through the tussock. No end is in
sight. We plod on. Surely there must be an end to the hundreds of steps. Finally we regain the earth, and the track is marked by wooden standards. Negotiating snow and scoria takes all of our attention. A fall here could have serious consequences.Suddenly we are surrounded by cloud. The next marker is lost to us in the gloom. The atmosphere is demoralizing. We continue going up. We know that as long as we keep heading upwards, we will eventually reach our beds. The rocks get fewer and fewer; the snow gets harder and icier – more dangerous. Finally we find a rock to sit on and don our crampons. We can see the top, but distances are deceiving in the darkness. We continue upwards, feeling a lot safer with our crampons biting into the hard snow.
We reach the ridge and angle left. Now the ground falls away below us. Fantham’s Peak has been reached. Where is the hut supposed to be? With the light of our torches we discern Syme Hut. Exultant but weary, we tramp across the plateau. At 11:20pm, four hours after beginning our climb, we reach our destination.
~ Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
~ Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
~ You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
~ You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
~ No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
~ You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
~ You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
~ It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
AND FOR STUDENTS...
~ The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
~ No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
~ You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."
~ These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
~ Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
~ Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
~ You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
~ You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
~ You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
~ You're not being sent to the Principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean.
With the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day then another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where on earth is the boat ?"
