A New Dictionary

Money can buy:
A bed but not sleep;
Books but not brains;
Food but not an appetite;
A house but not a home;
Medicine but not health;
Amusement but not happiness;
A crucifix but not a Saviour.

A cowboy from the midwest walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to his new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the backwoods cowboy for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around the midwest. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ol boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

The brave man is not he who feels no fear, For that were stupid and irrational; But he, whose noble soul its fear subdues, And bravely dares the danger nature shrinks from.

~ Joanna Baillie

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.

~ Mark Twain

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

~ Mark Twain

~ There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and one slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

~ Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

~ Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Sat my second ever written exam today (first was grade 1 music theory)! Managed to answer all the questions, and I think they were all correct. Glad I didn't have an essay based exam paper! Not keen to sit any more exams in a hurry though.

Saturday morning dawned crisp and clear; not a wisp of cloud or fog in sight around Cambridge. A perfect day to be outdoors. What was not so perfect was the fact that my front derailleur decided to quit working. It was working fine on Friday night but for some unknown reason was now unable to shift chain rings. Dad stuck it in the big chain ring, where it will have to stay for the whole race. Oh well, the first cycle leg is predominantly flat, with a few undulations towards the end.

As I join over 100 cyclists assembled on the start line I am a little apprehensive. Never before have I ridden in the cold (5°C), on the flat, or in a bunch – let alone all three together. The start of the 32km cycle is signalled and bunches swiftly form. I settle near the back of a 15 strong bunch. Some of the feeling in my feet is missing due to the temperature. Gradually smaller bunches are hauled in and individuals are dropped off the back. After a while I struggle to retain my place in the bunch, but a couple of determined sprints see me sucked on the back again. Everything changes when we leave the flats. Partly due to training in the Waitakeres, and partly due to being stuck in my big chain ring, I sail past quite a few people. It feels great to overtake people! For a few minutes I take part in a well organised bunch, before it disintegrates when swallowing up another bunch. I thoroughly enjoy my first experience at riding in a cohesive bunch. At the top of the next hill a herd of cattle is being shifted down the road. Due caution is exercised to avoid the beasts and the worst of the bovine excrement.

At the cycle/kayak transition

Arriving at the run transition I was elated at having passed so many people. Heading up the road on foot was tough, but by the time the off-road section of the 15km run is reached my legs had accustomed themselves to running. Not much running is done though, as the track soon got too steep. However, hill climbing is my forte and I steadily hauled people in. The climb to the top of Maungatautari is higher than the highest point in the Waitakeres, so I knew it was going to be a long haul. In places it was necessary to haul yourself up on roots; someone commented that it was just as well we weren't coming down this way. Once on the top ridge we had to keep our eyes peeled for track markers as there were false trails going off in all directions. Two people managed to get completely lost on this section and ended up on the other side of the mountain! As I gained the summit, a couple of tramping parties informed me that I was the 6th woman to reach the top, including team runners, and 72nd overall. The downhill was mostly runable which was nice. Nowhere near as steep as what we had come up. I am fairly cautious downhill due to a propensity for rolling my ankles so, as was to be expected, on the descent the tables were turned and I was the one being overtaken. I was quite pleased that I managed to post the 3rd fastest run time for individual females. The last 3km down the tar-sealed road was the hardest part of the whole run course!

Starting the kayak leg

It was a relief to reach the cycle transition as my feet were protesting at the amount of pounding they had endured. Unfortunately this second cycle leg is hillier than the first - and my bike was still stuck in the big chain ring. My hammered legs struggled to reach the top of each rise. There were a couple of steep ones that I only just made it up, but walking was not an option for me. I was no longer trying to go as fast as possible; I was just trying to keep going. 2km from the end, an AWOL arrow meant I rode an extra 18 km - turning it into a 30 km cycle instead of a mere 12km! This extra hour of cycling severely depleted my energy reserves.

Halfway down the paddle

By the time the kayak is reached I have just about had enough. The 9 km paddle down Lake Karapiro is straightforward enough, but my body is tired from the extra cycling. From several places along the bank support crews shout encouragement, and I slowly gain on Rudy Baptist's team but don't quite manage to catch them. On reaching the landing there is one last sprint up the hill to the finish line and the cheering crowd.

Defeat is not the worst of failures.
Not to have tried is the true failure.

~ George Edward Woodberry

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don't know something,
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations,
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge,
Because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes.
They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
Because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things. A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive. Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings.

Despite popular misconception, a properly tied knot is generally distinguished by its simplicity and the ease with which it can be untied, not by its strength or complexity.

But which is really the BEST knot?
A true landlubber's question, but one that is inevitably raised. The correct answer should be the responsible - albeit boring - "It depends." Are you knotting together sheets for an open-air exit from a burning hotel? Or are you tying up your hair?

But let's say you've really only got room for two or three knots in your long-term memory files. If such were the case, I could be forced to recommend the bowline, the sheet bend, and the clove hitch. These three are the cream of the three primary knot categories - loop knots, rope-to-rope knots (bends), and rope-to-something else knots (hitches). Between them, they should get you into most binds.

Incidentally, the opposite question, "Which is really the worst knot?" is far simpler to answer. As disillusioning as this sounds, it's the reef (square) knot, the most over-hyped, under-strength knot in creation. Knot expert Clifford Ashley states that the reef knot ". . . Has probably been responsible for more deaths and injuries than all other knots combined."

The reason is that the reef knot 'capsizes', i.e. it unties itself. A couple of quick tugs on the rope, or an inadvertent bump, and the honest square knot turns into thin air, an unhappy result that demonstrates the difference between a 'strong' knot, one that weakens the rope the least, and a 'secure' knot, one that resists unraveling. In the normal course of things, it's security that'll carry the day, not 'strength.

Adapted from 'The Klutz Book of Knots' by John Cassidy.

The event is comprised of a tough 42 km cycle, 2 km run, 10 km kayak, and 10 km run. I finished in a time of 4:16:20 to take out the junior women's division.

Where can a man buy a cap for his knee?
Or the key to a lock of his hair?
Should your eyes be called an academy
Because there are pupils there?

Is the crown of your head where jewels are found?
Who travels the bridge of your nose?
If you wanted to shingle the roof of your mouth
Could you use the nails in your toes?

Can you sit in the shade of the palm of your hand?
Or beat on the drum in your ear?
Can the calf of your leg eat the corn off your toe?
Then why not grow corn on the ear?

Can the crook in your elbow be sent to jail?
If so, what did he do?
How can you sharpen your shoulder blades?
I‘ll be darned if I know, do you?

~ William Dunkle

aroint, v.
Begone.

boscage, n.
Mass of trees or shrubs; thicket.

carking, a.
Burdensome, distressful.

divagate, v.
Stray, wander; digress in speech.

eldritch, a.
Weird, hideous, eerie.

foozle, n.
An error, a messed up task; clumsy failure.

gobemouche, n.
Credulous newsmonger; silly and credulous person. Literally 'fly swallower'.

hortative, a.
Tending, serving, to exhort.

inchoate, a.
not yet completed or fully developed; rudimentary. Just begun.

jannock, a.
Honest, fair, straightforward.

kerf, n.
Slit made by cutting with a saw; cut end of felled tree.

lethologica, n.
The inability to remember a word or put your finger on the right word

maugre, prep.
In spite of; notwithstanding.

natation, n.
The act or skill of swimming.

objurgate, v.
To reproach or denounce vehemently, upbraid harshly, berate sharply, chide, scold.

parvenu, n.
Person of obscure origin who has gained wealth or position, upstart.

quire, n.
Four sheets of paper folded to form eight leaves; any collection of leaves one within another in manuscript or book; 24 sheets of writing paper.

rhotacism, n.
excessive use of the sound (r), its misarticulation, or the substitution of another sound for it.

scrannel, a.
Squeaky, feeble, unmelodious.

tergiversate, v.
To change repeatedly one's attitude or opinions with respect to a cause, subject; equivocate. To turn renegade, apostatize, turn one's coat.

ulotrichan, n.
Woolly haired; belonging to a group of people having woolly hair.

verso, n.
A left-hand page of an open book or manuscript.

welkin, n.
The sky, the vault of heaven

Xanthippe, n.
A scolding or ill-tempered wife; shrewish woman.

yegg, n.
Itinerant burglar; safe breaker.

Zingaro, n.
A Gypsy

~ Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

~ Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

~ Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

~ Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

~ Variation Law: If you change lines or traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

~ Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

~ Law of Lines: When you walk IN the grocery store, there's never anyone in the checkout line.

~ Inverse Hair Dryer Law: You're sure you hear the phone ringing in the background, until you turn the hair dryer off.

~ Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

~ Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

~ Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

~ Theater Law: At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.

~ Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

~ Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

~ Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

~ Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

~ Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

~ Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

~ Law of the Last Word: "Hey, watch this!"

~ Von Fumbles Law: When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket.

~ Yale Law of Destiny: A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside.

~ Sorry Law: Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened.

~ Cheney's Second Corollary: When things seem to be going well, you've probably forgotten to do something.

~ Destiny Awaits Law: When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions.

~ Law of Gravitas: If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem.

~ Einstein's Law of Persistence: Most problems are neither created nor solved, they only change appearances.

~ Principle of Ding-a-ling: If you've run to answer the telephone, you'll pick it up just as the party hangs up on you.

~ Law of Wasteland: If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time.

~ Law of Campbell's Oops: The probability that you will spill food on your clothes is directly proportional to your need to be clean.

~ The Donking Principle: Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo.

~ Law of Fatal Irreversibility: After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later.

~ Law of deLay: Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and no one else in the waiting room -- and if one arrives late, everyone else will have arrived before you.

.... and...

Murphy was an optimist!