A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued...and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps themselves.
A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in their address book.
A simple friend brings a bottle of juice to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.
A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend calls you after you had a fight.
A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmers garden.
"I'll give you my twenty cents for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dollar for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take twenty cents for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for twenty cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmers hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
This may be my last post for a while because I am very busy with rehearsals for Out West Up High, as well as Voice Production Company.
We had the first performances of Voice's show "Why Me?" on the 1st and 2nd of December, and the last show is on the 23rd; with plenty of practices and performances in between!
Following are the performance venues and times for "Why Me?"
Wednesday 5th
West City Church, Corner of Great North Rd and Te Atatu Rd, Behind Glendene Shopping Village.
9.30 am, 11.15 am, 6.00 pm
Saturday 8th
Hamilton Central Baptist, 33 Charlemont St, Hamilton.
6.00 pm
Wednesday 12th
Kumeu Community Centre, Access Rd, Kumeu
7.30 pm
Sunday 16th
West Auckland New Life Centre, 9 Rakisch Place, Swanson
Tuesday 18th
Two performances at South Auckland Schools
Wednesday 19th
Two performances at South Auckland Schools
Thursday 20th
Two performances at South Auckland Schools
Sunday 23rd
Victory Christian Centre, 98 Beaumont St, Auckland
6.30 pm
Vista_Error: 001 Vista loaded - Warning your computer is now in danger
Vista_Error: 002 No Error - Check again in 10 seconds
Vista_Error: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
Vista_Error: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong (just testing)
Vista_Error: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
Vista_Error: 006 Kelvin error: Type Mismatch - phone Kevlar
Vista_Error: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
Vista_Error: 008 Broken window. Path not found - phone Glazier
Vista_Error: 009 Horrible bug encountered - Press F13 for more help
Vista_Error: 00A Invalid property assignment. Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
Vista_Error: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50GB
Vista_Error: 00C Memory hog error - More RAM needed. More! More! More!
Vista_Error: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
Vista_Error: 00E Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
Vista_Error: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
Vista_Error: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
Vista_Error: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
Vista_Error: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
Vista_Error: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
Vista_Error: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
Vista_Error: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
Vista_Error: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
Vista_Error: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
Vista_Error: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
Vista_Error: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
Vista_Error: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
Vista_Error: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will be closed automatically and the virus will be reactivated.
Vista_Error: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
Vista_Error: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next error will not be displayed or recorded.
Vista_Error: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
Vista_Error: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
Vista_Error: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 5,000 Gigawatts available
Dear Grandma,
I hope this letter finds you still alive, and that you haven’t been stuffed and served for some human’s dinner. As usual, Thanksgiving has been a hectic and nerve wracking time for us. My family and I are all still alive and well. This year we (Dad, Mum, Tom, Tina, and myself) devised a new plan for escaping the clutches of the turkey-killing humans. Instead of just running madly when the humans tried to kill us, we built a hideout deep in the forest among thick undergrowth. We dared not venture far to find food in case the humans saw us and decided we looked tasty. It was quite a strain on our nerves, continually being on the lookout for prowling humans. We had more than one sleepless night because of our fears. There were a few funny incidents though; one time I saw what looked like a rather large duck sitting by himself on the bank of a stream. He looked harmless so I ambled over to have a chat with him, and to my astonishment t was actually a turkey disguised as a duck! His only problem being that he couldn’t swim! The others had a good laugh at this when I related the tale to them afterwards. At last, to our relief, Thanksgiving was over and we were out of danger, for this year at least.
Please write back and let us know how you fared over Thanksgiving.
Love from Tony Turkey.
P.S. If you have been served for dinner, you might want to get one of your friends to reply for you.
Elliot Nicholls, 17, broke the world record in Dunedin yesterday, not once but twice, texting a 160-character message blindfolded and finishing in 51 seconds on his second attempt and then 45 seconds on his fourth try. The previous record was set by an Italian at one minute 23 seconds.
His father, Daniel Nicholls, who watched the record- breaking attempt, always got Elliott a copy of the Guinness Book of Records each Christmas so he wasn't surprised by his son "attempting something quirky".
Elliot, a Year 12 student at Dunedin's John McGlashan College, decided to attempt the world record after seeing the texting record on he Guinness website. Knowing he could easily beat it, he contacted the Guinness Book and set up the challenge.
Elliot has had to fit his training schedule in with his studies, but estimates on average he sends about 50 texts a day.
For the past fortnight he has had to memorise and practise the world record attempt text - "the razor toothed piranhas of the genera serrasal musand pygocentrus are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world. in reality they rarely attack a human".
Elliot's text message had to match it exactly, including spaces, punctuation and spelling with no mistakes.
"I've been practising about 20 minutes every day for the past week, I knew I could do it, I just had to get the phrase into my brain."
Elliot is on his seventh phone, having driven over one, lost two and worn out the keypads on the others.
He has texted since he was 12 and wears a wrist support but claims it's because of a boxing injury.
Sunday Star Times
A South Dakotan may be new world-record holder when it comes to swallowing Tabasco sauce. Levi Johnson of Tea (yes, that is the name of a city!) drank 5.5 ounces of the hot sauce, or nearly 3 bottles, in 30 seconds at a sports bar in that community.
The Guinness Book of World Records lists the previous record at 5.07 ounces. Johnson's feat must be verified by Guinness publishers before it is considered official.
According to WordCount the ten most commonly used words are:
- The
- Of
- And
- To
- A
- In
- That
- It
- Is
- Was
School comes in at number 226, computer is ranked number 705, #111 is before, and squirrel is #18001
A penguin swims at a speed of approximately 15 miles per hour.
An adult porcupine has approximately 30,000 quills on its body, which are replaced every year.
Approximately 20% of Americans have a passport.
Approximately 850 peanuts make a 18 oz jar of peanut butter.
Babies' eyes do not produce tears until the baby is approximately six to eight weeks old.
Dill seeds are so small that approximately 10,000 dill seeds would be required to make an ounce.
Flamingos are able to fly at a speed of approximately 55 kilometers an hour. In one night they can travel about 600 km.
In the United States, approximately seven billion pounds of chocolate and candy are manufactured each year.
Once a human reaches the age of 35, he/she will start losing approximately 7,000 brain cells a day. The cells will never be replaced.
The Eiffel Tower is painted approximately once every 7 years and requires nearly 50 tons of paint each time.
The Empire State Building in New York City weighs approximately 365,000 tons.
The eyeball of a human weighs approximately 28 grams.
There are approximately 2,700 different species of mosquitoes.
There are approximately 7,000 feathers on an eagle.
There are approximately fifty Bibles sold each minute across the world.
If GH stands for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau
The right way to spell POTATO should be GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU!
- If you have reached the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
- When you are computing, if someone is watching, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
- When the going gets tough, upgrade your computer.
- The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
- To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
- He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
- The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
- A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
- A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a pair of tracks. They stopped and examined the tracks closely.
The first lawyer announced, "Those are deer tracks. It's deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our prey." The second lawyer responded,"Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season. If we follow your advice, we'll waste the day."
Each attorney believed himself to be the superior woodsman, and they both bitterly stuck to their guns.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...
BECOMES:
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
In 1830 A.D. the French people, angered and frustrated by the repressive policies of the King, demanded the abdication of their Monarch, King Charles X. When Charles reluctantly signed the document of abdication on 2 August 1830, his son Louis became King of France. Immediately the people called for the new King Louis XIX to abdicate. It is said that King Louis spent the next 20 minutes listening to the entreaties of his wife not to sign the abdication document. Eventually he too abdicated, having reigned for just 20 minutes, taking his place in history as the shortest-ever reigning king.
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Software Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
The following obituary has been taken from a notice in Lake Angelus Hut (Nelson Lakes National Park).
Trampers will be saddened to learn of the recent death of one of our best known walkers amongst them - Someone Else. Someone's passing creates a gap that will be difficult to fill.
Else had tramped for years. At the huts she was always the one ready to sweep the floor and tidy up. Whenever a task needed doing, one name was always on everyone's lips - "Let Someone Else do it." It was common knowledge that Someone Else did far more than her share!
Always cheerfully taking on chores. Everyone assumed Someone Else would do the job. Someone Else was a wonderful person, appearing superhuman. But a person can only do so much. Were the truth known, everyone expected too much of Someone Else!
Now she is gone!!
We wonder what we are going to do; Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to do the things Someone Else did?
When the hut needs cleaning, remember . . .
We can't depend on Someone Else!
Here are some images of the aftermath of the eruption which occured on Tuesday night. 
Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
Prejudiced people are all alike.
What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?
I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.
I have my doubts about disbelief.
I always try to do things in chronological order.
A Plateau is the highest form of flattery.
I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
An oral contract isn't worth the paper its written on.
It's Deja Vu all over again.
If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator!
The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.
When all is said and done, much more is said than done.
I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
Entropy just isn't what it used to be.
I can't define irony; but, I know it when I see it.
- "God has given us more than fourteen billion cells and connections in our brain. Why would God give us such a complex organ system unless he expects us to use it?"
- "It is possible with great determination, hard work, and self reliance to overcome seemingly insurmountable odds."
- "Knowledge is the key that unlocks all the doors. You can be green-skinned with yellow polka dots and come from Mars, but if you have knowledge that people need, instead of beating you, they'll beat a path to your door."
- "Be nice to people - all people - even when you don't have to be. Everyone is important."
- "We don't have to explain miracles; all we have to do is accept them"
- "My mother worked with my brother Curtis and me, teaching us not to prejudge others - not to decide on their value before we knew them. She stressed treating everyone with kindness and giving every person a chance."
Smiling is infectious
you catch it like the flu.
When someone smiled at me
today,
I started smiling too.
I passed around the corner
and someone saw my grin.
When he smiled I realised
I’d passed it onto him.
I thought about that smile
then realised its worth,
A single smile, just like mine
could travel round the earth.
So if you feel a smile begin,
don’t leave it undetected.
Let’s start an epidemic quick
and get the world infected!
“Good morning! What are you doing?” asked the wise man. The young man paused, looked up, and replied, “Throwing starfish into the ocean. The sun is rising, and the tide is out. And if I don’t throw them in, they’ll die.”
“But, young man, don’t you realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish along every mile of it? You can’t possibly make a difference!”
The young man, listening politely, bent down and picked up another starfish, throwing it into the sea past the breaking waves. Turning to the old man, he modestly replied,
“It made a difference for that one.”
Adapted from The Star Thrower by Loren Eiseley 1907 - 1977
This is a funny excerpt from an old radio show with Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Office for windows? I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is Real One. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOT: No. Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might... what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOT: Go Back.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer crashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOT: Go Back.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was Go Back.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOT: No, you only need one Word - the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in ... Oh, never mind.
ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store: Can I help you?
Leap seconds are added to keep the clocks synchronized with the Earth's rotation.
Basic details
The second is the base unit for modern time keeping. The second was previously defined based on the Earth's rotation, but because modern atomic clocks are more accurate than the Earth's rotation the definition was changed in 1967. A second is currently defined as being the duration of 9,192,631,770 periods/oscillations of radiation from a Cesium-133 atom at the ground state (near 0 Kelvin - coldest possible).
The Earth is rotating slower and slower over time, while the atomic clocks are not slowing down. On one average day the difference is around 0.002 seconds, which means around 1 second in 500 days. In order to synchronize the atomic clocks with the Earth's observed rotation, the atomic clocks are occasionally instructed to add an extra second – the leap second. Leap seconds are inserted so that the difference between the UTC (Coordinated Universal Time) and UT1 (mean solar time - observed Earth rotation) is kept below 0.9 seconds.
The leap second is added in the end of June or December. It is also possible to have a negative leap second, where one second is removed, in a case where the Earth is rotating faster, but such a negative second has never been used, and is rather unlikely to be used in the future.
How are leap seconds declared?
The International Earth Rotation and Reference System Service (IERS) observes the Earth's rotation and nearly 6 months in advance (January and July) a "Bulletin C" message is sent out, which reports whether or not to add a leap second in the end of June and December.
How leap seconds are inserted
Leap seconds are inserted at the end of June or December as an additional second after 23:59:59 UTC (Universal Time Coordinated). The additional second is the 61st second of the last minute of the month, and it is written as 23:59:60 (or 11:59:60 PM in 12-hour format).
The second is inserted at the same time all over the world - the actual local time will therefore depend on the time zone. Only regions in the UTC time zone will add the second just before midnight, for time zones east of UTC, the second will be added the next day (first day in January or July), for time zones west of UTC, the second will be added earlier on the same day as for UTC.
No leap seconds in 2007
IERS has decided no positive leap second will be introduced at the end of December 2007.
The next message will be announced in January 2008 and will tell if there will be a
leap second in June 2008 (earliest possibility).
Future for leap seconds
There have been proposals for changing the current time scale, so that UTC is no longer tied so closely with the earth's rotation. Over years, this will lead to minutes and eventually hours of difference, so maybe something like a leap hour will be needed to maintain some synchronization between the day and night and the clock.
It is not yet decided what will happen.
Article from time and date.com
Insults from Famous People
1. “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire”
Winston Churchill
2. “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it”
Mark Twain
3. “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends”
Oscar Wilde
4. “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend….if you have one”
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill;
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second……if there is one”
Winston Churchill in response
5. “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here”
Stephen Bishop
6. “He has the attention span of a lightning bolt”
Robert Redford
7. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go”
Oscar Wilde
8. “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
Groucho Marx
9. “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
John Bright
10. “She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it happens.”
Michael Arle
Like any language, English has a lot of idiom-phrases that don't make grammatical sense. But that's no excuse not to laugh at them.
Is it a bargain if you buy a violin, no strings attached?
Is it the crack of dawn that causes daybreak?
Is it nightfall that causes the crack of dawn?
Will you find cell phones in prison?
Are mixed blessings worst than those in alphabetical order?
Would being woke up by an earthquake be a moving experience?
How come you have to write down something to write up something?
Are odds and ends less important than evens and starts?
How much money do you save when you receive a free gift?
What's the difference between new and brand new?
If you stretch the truth do you a get a tall tale?
If a race is neck and neck, would that mean it's a necktie?
Why can you see stars out but not lights out?
Why do they call it rush hour when traffic moves the slowest?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Can you take a crash course in flying?
How come noses run and feet smell?
When you press the door bell button, should you use your ring finger?
Why do people say "bye bye" but not "hello hello?"
Why do people sit down during the day and sit up late at night?
Shouldn't guests leave a banquet fed up?
If you float an idea, how long before it sinks in?
Do politicians who sling mud loose ground?
Why do you chop down the tree, then chop up the tree?
When you stick your neck out, how do you stick it back in?
Why do they call it a TV set when there is only one?
If you kick the bucket, aren't you still kicking?
How come "needless to say" always comes with something said?
If you make ends meet, aren't you just going around in circles?
Do people who skydive ever think they are jumping to conclusions?
When you say something tongue in cheek, why don't you bite your tongue?
If you saw someone who was two-faced, wouldn't you do a double take?
When somebody greets us with "how do you do," why don't we ever reply "do what?"
If you pull strings to get ahead, won't your scheme unravel?
Are you sound asleep when you snore?
How come even after you lose your temper, you still have a temper?
Can you back up down a hill?
Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs? (garbage)
Is it good if a vacuum cleaner really sucks?
If you eat your hat and swallow your pride, why do you end up with egg on your face?
Did you ever meet someone who was asking for trouble, without question?
The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.
This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.
This defect has been technically termed "Subsequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.
Some other symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect. The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E.(Believers' Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded.
DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.
Thank you for your attention.
GOD Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by "kneemail".
Daffynitions are humorous and twisted definitions of English words.
anarchy - Exception to the rule
atheist — A believer in non-belief.
bore — Someone who, when you ask how he is, tells you.
committee — A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
cynics — Ignorant people who are ruining the county.
death — The only escape from taxes.
dignify — A way to make the hole you’re in look good.
diplomat — A person who tells you to get lost and you can’t wait to get started.
dust — Mud with the juice squeezed out.
expression — Non-stop talking.
flashlight — A case for holding dead batteries.
government — A necessity we could do without.
heirloom — A dead giveaway.
inertia — Resisting arrest.
kernel - A unit of corny truth.
light-headed — Halo effect.
locomotive — insanity plea
lottery — A tax on people who are lousy at math.
mosquito — An insect that makes flies tolerable.
normal — 8 on a scale of 1 to 10.
optimist — A person who smells smoke and gets out the marshmallows.
pessimist — Someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
politician — One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
secret — News you tell to one person at a time.
shin — What you use to find furniture in the dark.
sleep — That fleeting moment that ends alarmingly.
stick — A boomerang that doesn’t come back.
suburbia — Where they cut down trees and put in streets named after them.
tomorrow — A great labor saving device of today.
volunteer — Take on work that makes no cents.
yawn — An honest opinion openly expressed.
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders and dropping the tape measures. The whole thing is just a mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length."
A synonym is a word that means the same as another. "Necessary" and "required" are synonyms. An antonym is a word that means the opposite of another. "Wet" and "dry" are antonyms. While synonyms and antonyms are not in themselves interesting, the complexities and irregularities of the English language sometimes make synonyms and antonyms interesting to explore. Many complexities result from words having multiple definitions. A trivial example is a word with synonyms that aren't synonyms of each other, the word "beam," for example, having the synonyms "bar" and "shine." Similarly, some words have antonyms that are neither synonyms nor antonyms of each other but completely unrelated: the word "right," for example, having the antonyms "wrong" and "left."
The word contronym (also the synonym antagonym) is used to refer to words that, by some freak of language evolution, are their own antonyms. Both contronym and antagonym are neologisms; however, there is no alternative term that is more established in the English language.
Contronyms are special cases of homographs (two words with the same spelling). Some examples:
anabasis - military advance, military retreat
apology - admission of fault in what you think, say, or do; formal defense of what you think, say, or do
aught - all, nothing
bolt - secure, run away
cleave - separate, adhere
clip - fasten, detach
custom - usual, special
deceptively smart - smarter than one appears, dumber than one appears
dike - wall, ditch
dust - add fine particles, remove fine particles
enjoin - prescribe, prohibit
fast - quick, unmoving
first degree - most severe (e.g., murder), least severe (e.g., burn)
give out - produce, stop production
grade - incline, level
handicap - advantage, disadvantage
left - remaining, departed from
liege - sovereign lord, loyal subject
mean - average, excellent (e.g., "plays a mean game")
out of - outside, inside (e.g., "work out of one's home")
pitted - with the pit in, with the pit removed
put out - extinguish, generate (e.g., something putting out light)
quite - rather, completely
rent - buy use of, sell use of
sanction - approve, boycott
screen - show, hide
strike - hit, miss (in baseball)
transparent - invisible, obvious
unbending - rigid, relaxing
wind up - end, start up (e.g., a watch)
with - alongside, against
Sourced from RinkWorks
There is always a piper to be paid, and in the case of mailing a letter, you’re going to have to buy stamps. Voila, as the French say, a whole new hobby is born- stamp collecting. And stamps have certainly brought out the best and worst in people, ranging from inspired creativity to inventive uses.
In 1973 the country of Bhutan issued a stamp in the shape of a record that was a real hit. Because when placed on a turntable, it actually played the Bhutanese national anthem. This was one-upmanship over the country of Tonga, who had issued a stamp in the shape of a banana. But it didn’t have as much appeal.
It was Englishman Roland Hill, who suggested that it would be simpler to prepay postage by selling people stamps, rather than to charge the recipient, for each page, of each letter received. That first English stamp, issued in 1840, was the sedate and ever so proper portrait of Queen Victoria, on a black background.
But Australia was a kangaroo hop ahead of them with the concept. They were already sending prepaid mail in the outback, albeit without having to lick anything and stick it on the envelope.
Article from amusingfacts.com
Various Economic Models explained with "Cows"
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on
one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.
You shred them.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market
it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
Lake on Volcano Island in Lake
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
Ecuador.
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
From sheep and horses.
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
Squirrel fur.
6) The Canary Islands are named after what animal?
Dog. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7) What was King George VI's first name?
Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8) What colour is a purple finch?
Crimson.
9) Where is the kiwifruit from?
China
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?
Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.
The Australians can lay 
claim to the longest fence
in the world - the Dingo Fence.
At 5,320 kilometres long, the fence is one of the longest structures on the planet and is 3.325 times longer than New Zealand!
1.) Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Auckland driver never uses them. Use of them in Manukau may be illegal.
2.) Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3.) Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
4.) The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. (Red light means "last three cars".)
5.) Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.
6.) Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7.) Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make North Shore look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the speed camera car parked on the median.
8.) Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left.
9.) Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
10.) Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.
“Irresponsibilities" is the longest word that can be spelt entirely using chemical symbols without reusing any element.
Ir - iridium
Re - rhenium
S - sulphur
P - phosphorus
O - oxygen
N - nitrogen
Si - silicon
Bi - bismuth
Li - lithium
Ti - titanium
Es - einsteinium
And yes, einsteinium is a real element!
Hidden away in the dry valleys of Antarctica lies Lake Vanda. From the surface, Lake Vanda looks like and ordinary Antarctic lake with permanent surface ice several meters thick; beneath the surface, however, Lake Vanda is anything but normal.
Underneath the surface ice the water is saline enough to keep the water from freezing; at the bottom of the lake the water has 10 percent dissolved solids content - three times as saline as sea water. While the water at the top of the lake is cold, the further down you go the warmer the water gets. Scientists have recorded water temperatures of 26°C in the bottom few meters of the lake; almost as warm as the Indian Ocean which is the warmest ocean on earth.
These high temperatures are due entirely to solar heating of the water through the ice, and not to any heat from rocks at depth beneath the lakes.
PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS
Noun
A pneumoconiosis (lung disease) caused by inhalation of very fine silicate or quartz dust.
This is the longest word in the English dictionary (not including place names and chemical compounds). With 45 letters and 19 syllables, it is a bit of a mouthful!
The disease is also known as 'Black lung disease'.
Ad eundum quo nemo ante iit.
To boldly go where no man has gone before.
Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.
Canis meus id comedit.
My dog ate it.
Cogito, ergo doleo.
I think, therefore I am depressed.
Die dulci fruere.
Have a nice day.
Fac ut gaudeam.
Make my day.
Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum!
Don't you dare erase my hard disk!
Non plaudite. Modo pecuniam jacite.
Don't applaud. Just throw money.
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!
Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!
Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabiturOh!
Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.
Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.
I'm not sure whether these exam answers are true; but I know standards are slipping. They do seem very funny though
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
- Presumably also the inspiration of Vivaldi (don't forget the Ketchup)
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Filtration makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
- (dead sheep could really block your tap)
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
(can't argue with that)
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
TECHNOLOGY
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
(to keep him cool in the desert ?)
RELIGION
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
Usless conversions
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = 1 Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
1 millionth mouthwash = 1 microscope
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knot-furlong
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
The first step of a one-mile journey = 1 Milwaukee
1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
365.25 days = 1 unicycle
2200 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologs = 5 dialogs
5 dialogs = 1 decalog
2 monograms = 1 diagram
4 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 wharves = 1 paradox
100 Senators = Not 1 decision
One acre is exactly 43,560 square feet = a lotsa toes
The humble thrush hardly seems a model of sturdiness, though it most probably accounts for the word.
Sturdy today means 'strong, robust, resolute'. About 600 years ago, however, in Middle English, it meant 'giddy or impetuous' - a nice case of amelioration once again; the links presumably were something like this: impetuous . . . reckless . . . violent . . . forceful . . . strong.
The word came into English from the Old French estourdi, 'stunned or dazed', from estourir, 'to stun'. And the way this word came about is probably as follows: there must have been a Vulgar Latin verb exturdire, which meant more or less 'to be stunned like a drunken thrush' - thrushes apparently having a tendency to get drunk by eating overripe grapes. The Latin roots of the word would have been ex-, 'completely', and turdus, 'a thrush'.
Taken from 'What's in a word' by John Kahn
A thirteen-year-old girl has been hailed as America's top texter, after winning a competition to speed-write text messages. Her crowning achievement was writing 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious' in just fifteen seconds.
That's slightly quicker than two letters a second.
For that feat, Morgan Pozgar of Claysburg, Pennsylvania, received a prize of $25,000 from the sponsoring company, electronics firm LG.
'I'm going to go shopping and buy lots of clothes,' the teenager said afterwards, showing her sense of priorities.
The original hand grenade, shattering into fragments when exploding, must have put French soldiers in mind of a ripe pomegranate, filled with its dozens of seeds. Or perhaps it was simply a fancied resemblance between the outer shape of these two otherwise very different objects. Either way, it is from the Old French word for pomegranate, pome grenate, literally 'a seed-filled apple', that the French devised the name for the small hand-thrown bomb.
Taken from 'What's in a word' by John Kahn
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman arrived at a railway station in a state of inebriation just as The train was about to leave. A helpful porter managed to get The Englishman and The Scotsman aboard as The train pulled out. Then he turned to The Irishman and said, 'I'm sorry sir that I couldn't get you aboard The train.' 'My friends will be sorry too,' said The Irishman, 'they just came to see me off.'
Ordinary sea waves which are whipped up by wind, are not normally very high. The highest sea wave ever recorded was in the Pacific Ocean in 1933 and measured 34 M (112 ft) from trough to crest!
Tsunami waves, which are triggered by earthquakes, volcanoes, and landslides, are frequently much bigger. The highest recorded tsunami wave was in Lituya Bay, Alaska, on July 9, 1958. An earthquake measuring 8.3 on the richter scale caused part of a mountain to collapse into the bay, causing a monstrous tsunami. At the mouth of the bay, the wave was 524 m (1,720 ft) high!
The tallest recorded tsunami triggered by an earthquake hit Ishigaki Island, Japan, on April 4 1771. The wave was 85 m (278 ft) tall, triggered by an earthquake which measured 7.4 on the richter scale.
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.
One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
Angel and I have been visiting our Grandparents in Tauranga over Easter. Mum and Dad went down to Mt. Ruapehu for the weekend.
We left for Tauranga at 5 am on Good Friday. Not suprisingly there wasn't much traffic - then. Later on in the day it was nose to tail all the way to the Thames turnoff!
One of the (main) reasons we went to Tauranga was to attend the annual Tauranga Rotary Book Sale. This sale is held every Easter, and they have thousands of books, magazines, jigsaws, videos, cds, records, and tapes. The sale opened at 9 am on Saturday, so we got up bright and early to arrive at the venue for 8 am. I'm serious! And we weren't the first people. There were about 80 people in front of us in the line. To transport the books I carried a bag - Angel had 4 plastic boxes on a trolley (otherwise known as a sack truck)!
After the first day of book buying, I had picked up 8 books for $8. Angel, on the other hand, had bought 111 books!!! At the end of the sale, which we revisited, I had 14 books for $13.50, and Angel had over 160 books.
A blog is a user-generated website where entries are made in journal style and displayed in a reverse chronological order.
A personal or corporate website in the form of an online journal, with new entries appearing in sequence as they are written, especially as dealing with reflections or opinion.
A typical blog combines text, images, and links to other blogs, web pages, and other media related to its topic. The ability for readers to leave comments in an interactive format is an important part of most early blogs. Most blogs are primarily textual although some focus on photographs (photoblog), sketchblog, videos (vlog), or audio (podcasting), and are part of a wider network of social media.
The term "blog" is a portmanteau, or, in other words, a blend of the words web and log (Web log). "Blog" can also be used as a verb, meaning to maintain or add content to a blog.
In November 2006, blog search engine Technorati was tracking more than 57 million blogs.
The above was taken from Wikipedia/Wikidictionary
And you thought a blog was just . . . well, a blog?
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosnt mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends, and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it - one odd and one end?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends, but cannot make one amend?
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane!
By an unknown author/compiler.
Ameliorate - (cause to) become better.
Amelioration, in regards to lexigraphy, is the process by which a word aquires a more favourable sense or tone than its original one.
The word 'nice' entered Middle English in the sense of 'stupid or foolish'. 'Nice' is derived from the latin word 'nescius', which means 'ignorant' (literally 'not to know').
From the idea of foolishness or ignorance derived the sense of 'modest, shy', which developed into a range of further senses - 'cautious, fastidious, discerning, refined, subtle, delicate'.
Finally, the common modern semse emerged - 'pleasant, enjoyable'
So remember this next time someone calls you nice, they are unintentionally calling you ignorant!!
Adapted from 'nice and luxurious' in What's in a Word by John Kahn
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up "Yeah, right."
Proof that a dog has three tails.
- No dog has two tails.
- One dog has one more tail than no dog.
- Therefore, a dog must have three tails.
This afternoon 5 friends and I danced at the Ranui Fair (held, funnily enough, in Ranui). After we performed there was a group of Norsemen who demonstrated Viking warfare. 'Twas interesting really.
What is known as the Viking age is the period in history from c. 790 a.d. - 1066 a.d. Vikings were ship-borne warriors and traders, although the term 'Viking' is sometimes used to denote any Scandinavian from the Viking age. The word 'Viking' can be traced back to many different roots, and consequently no one knows what it actually means. The area referred to as Scandinavia is the countries of Norway, Sweden, Denmark, and the north-western part of Finland.
The Vikings were also great explorers (and invaders), venturing to places like Iceland and Greenland, and even further afield, to Newfoundland (off the east coast of Canada). There is archaeological evidence that show the Vikings even reached Baghdad, the capital city of Iraq.
Contrary to popular ideas, Vikings did not wear horned or winged helmets. Viking helmets were made of hard leather reinforced with wood and metal for the common men, and the chieftans wore an iron helmet with a mask. Another popular misconception is that Vikings used skulls as cups. This comes from a myth, and may also come from other Germanic tribes.
"Words that should be in dictionaries, but aren't." The definition of sniglets according to Rich Hall, the man who coined the word in 1986. Some examples below.
Antalixic (ant-uh-licks-ik) adj. Someone who always passes over the licorice jellybeans.
Aquadextrous (ak-wa-deks-trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
Carperpetuation (kar-pur-pet-you-ay-shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
Disconfect (dis-kon-fekt) v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
Elbonics (el-bon-iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
Frust (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
Lactomangulation (lak-to-man-gyu-lay-shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
Peppier (pep-yay) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
Phonesia (fo-knee-zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
Pupkus (pup-kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
Sloovers (slew-vuhrz) n. pl. Remnants of soap too small to use, but too big to throw away."
Telecrastination (tel-e-kras-tuh-nay-shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
All sniglets by Rich Hall on alphaDictionary.
Puns, spoonerisms, daffynitions; if you don't like them, read no further.
As some of you know, I like words. Especially twisting them. Those of you who don't, you will soon.
First things first - a definition of my title. Lexigraphy is the art of definition of words; Logic is the use of a brain; a List, well, I'm sure you all know what one of those is.
Those of you who are expecting me to update this blog frequently, don't. I shall only update when I have something to say, which may be once a week, or twice a day (*gasps of shock from readers*)
