A New Dictionary

Smiling is infectious
you catch it like the flu.
When someone smiled at me
today,
I started smiling too.
I passed around the corner
and someone saw my grin.
When he smiled I realised
I’d passed it onto him.

I thought about that smile
then realised its worth,
A single smile, just like mine
could travel round the earth.
So if you feel a smile begin,
don’t leave it undetected.
Let’s start an epidemic quick
and get the world infected!

This is a funny excerpt from an old radio show with Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Office for windows? I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is Real One. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOT: No. Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might... what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOT: Go Back.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer crashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOT: Go Back.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was Go Back.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOT: No, you only need one Word - the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in ... Oh, never mind.
ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store: Can I help you?

Leap seconds are added to keep the clocks synchronized with the Earth's rotation.

Basic details
The second is the base unit for modern time keeping. The second was previously defined based on the Earth's rotation, but because modern atomic clocks are more accurate than the Earth's rotation the definition was changed in 1967. A second is currently defined as being the duration of 9,192,631,770 periods/oscillations of radiation from a Cesium-133 atom at the ground state (near 0 Kelvin - coldest possible).

The Earth is rotating slower and slower over time, while the atomic clocks are not slowing down. On one average day the difference is around 0.002 seconds, which means around 1 second in 500 days. In order to synchronize the atomic clocks with the Earth's observed rotation, the atomic clocks are occasionally instructed to add an extra second – the leap second. Leap seconds are inserted so that the difference between the UTC (Coordinated Universal Time) and UT1 (mean solar time - observed Earth rotation) is kept below 0.9 seconds.

The leap second is added in the end of June or December. It is also possible to have a negative leap second, where one second is removed, in a case where the Earth is rotating faster, but such a negative second has never been used, and is rather unlikely to be used in the future.

How are leap seconds declared?
The International Earth Rotation and Reference System Service (IERS) observes the Earth's rotation and nearly 6 months in advance (January and July) a "Bulletin C" message is sent out, which reports whether or not to add a leap second in the end of June and December.

How leap seconds are inserted
Leap seconds are inserted at the end of June or December as an additional second after 23:59:59 UTC (Universal Time Coordinated). The additional second is the 61st second of the last minute of the month, and it is written as 23:59:60 (or 11:59:60 PM in 12-hour format).

The second is inserted at the same time all over the world - the actual local time will therefore depend on the time zone. Only regions in the UTC time zone will add the second just before midnight, for time zones east of UTC, the second will be added the next day (first day in January or July), for time zones west of UTC, the second will be added earlier on the same day as for UTC.

No leap seconds in 2007
IERS has decided no positive leap second will be introduced at the end of December 2007.
The next message will be announced in January 2008 and will tell if there will be a
leap second in June 2008 (earliest possibility).

Future for leap seconds
There have been proposals for changing the current time scale, so that UTC is no longer tied so closely with the earth's rotation. Over years, this will lead to minutes and eventually hours of difference, so maybe something like a leap hour will be needed to maintain some synchronization between the day and night and the clock.

It is not yet decided what will happen.

Article from time and date.com

Insults from Famous People

1. “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire”
Winston Churchill

2. “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it”
Mark Twain

3. “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends”
Oscar Wilde

4. “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend….if you have one”
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill;
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second……if there is one”
Winston Churchill in response

5. “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here”
Stephen Bishop

6. “He has the attention span of a lightning bolt”
Robert Redford

7. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go”
Oscar Wilde

8. “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
Groucho Marx

9. “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
John Bright

10. “She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it happens.”
Michael Arle

Like any language, English has a lot of idiom-phrases that don't make grammatical sense. But that's no excuse not to laugh at them.

Is it a bargain if you buy a violin, no strings attached?
Is it the crack of dawn that causes daybreak?
Is it nightfall that causes the crack of dawn?
Will you find cell phones in prison?
Are mixed blessings worst than those in alphabetical order?
Would being woke up by an earthquake be a moving experience?
How come you have to write down something to write up something?
Are odds and ends less important than evens and starts?
How much money do you save when you receive a free gift?
What's the difference between new and brand new?
If you stretch the truth do you a get a tall tale?
If a race is neck and neck, would that mean it's a necktie?
Why can you see stars out but not lights out?
Why do they call it rush hour when traffic moves the slowest?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Can you take a crash course in flying?
How come noses run and feet smell?
When you press the door bell button, should you use your ring finger?
Why do people say "bye bye" but not "hello hello?"
Why do people sit down during the day and sit up late at night?
Shouldn't guests leave a banquet fed up?
If you float an idea, how long before it sinks in?
Do politicians who sling mud loose ground?
Why do you chop down the tree, then chop up the tree?
When you stick your neck out, how do you stick it back in?
Why do they call it a TV set when there is only one?
If you kick the bucket, aren't you still kicking?
How come "needless to say" always comes with something said?
If you make ends meet, aren't you just going around in circles?
Do people who skydive ever think they are jumping to conclusions?
When you say something tongue in cheek, why don't you bite your tongue?
If you saw someone who was two-faced, wouldn't you do a double take?
When somebody greets us with "how do you do," why don't we ever reply "do what?"
If you pull strings to get ahead, won't your scheme unravel?
Are you sound asleep when you snore?
How come even after you lose your temper, you still have a temper?
Can you back up down a hill?
Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs? (garbage)
Is it good if a vacuum cleaner really sucks?
If you eat your hat and swallow your pride, why do you end up with egg on your face?
Did you ever meet someone who was asking for trouble, without question?

The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.

This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.

This defect has been technically termed "Subsequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.

Some other symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect. The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.

Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.

No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control

Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E.(Believers' Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.

Thank you for your attention.

GOD Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by "kneemail".