Like any language, English has a lot of idiom-phrases that don't make grammatical sense. But that's no excuse not to laugh at them.
Is it a bargain if you buy a violin, no strings attached?
Is it the crack of dawn that causes daybreak?
Is it nightfall that causes the crack of dawn?
Will you find cell phones in prison?
Are mixed blessings worst than those in alphabetical order?
Would being woke up by an earthquake be a moving experience?
How come you have to write down something to write up something?
Are odds and ends less important than evens and starts?
How much money do you save when you receive a free gift?
What's the difference between new and brand new?
If you stretch the truth do you a get a tall tale?
If a race is neck and neck, would that mean it's a necktie?
Why can you see stars out but not lights out?
Why do they call it rush hour when traffic moves the slowest?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Can you take a crash course in flying?
How come noses run and feet smell?
When you press the door bell button, should you use your ring finger?
Why do people say "bye bye" but not "hello hello?"
Why do people sit down during the day and sit up late at night?
Shouldn't guests leave a banquet fed up?
If you float an idea, how long before it sinks in?
Do politicians who sling mud loose ground?
Why do you chop down the tree, then chop up the tree?
When you stick your neck out, how do you stick it back in?
Why do they call it a TV set when there is only one?
If you kick the bucket, aren't you still kicking?
How come "needless to say" always comes with something said?
If you make ends meet, aren't you just going around in circles?
Do people who skydive ever think they are jumping to conclusions?
When you say something tongue in cheek, why don't you bite your tongue?
If you saw someone who was two-faced, wouldn't you do a double take?
When somebody greets us with "how do you do," why don't we ever reply "do what?"
If you pull strings to get ahead, won't your scheme unravel?
Are you sound asleep when you snore?
How come even after you lose your temper, you still have a temper?
Can you back up down a hill?
Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs? (garbage)
Is it good if a vacuum cleaner really sucks?
If you eat your hat and swallow your pride, why do you end up with egg on your face?
Did you ever meet someone who was asking for trouble, without question?
The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.
This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.
This defect has been technically termed "Subsequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.
Some other symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect. The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E.(Believers' Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded.
DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.
Thank you for your attention.
GOD Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by "kneemail".
Daffynitions are humorous and twisted definitions of English words.
anarchy - Exception to the rule
atheist — A believer in non-belief.
bore — Someone who, when you ask how he is, tells you.
committee — A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
cynics — Ignorant people who are ruining the county.
death — The only escape from taxes.
dignify — A way to make the hole you’re in look good.
diplomat — A person who tells you to get lost and you can’t wait to get started.
dust — Mud with the juice squeezed out.
expression — Non-stop talking.
flashlight — A case for holding dead batteries.
government — A necessity we could do without.
heirloom — A dead giveaway.
inertia — Resisting arrest.
kernel - A unit of corny truth.
light-headed — Halo effect.
locomotive — insanity plea
lottery — A tax on people who are lousy at math.
mosquito — An insect that makes flies tolerable.
normal — 8 on a scale of 1 to 10.
optimist — A person who smells smoke and gets out the marshmallows.
pessimist — Someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
politician — One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
secret — News you tell to one person at a time.
shin — What you use to find furniture in the dark.
sleep — That fleeting moment that ends alarmingly.
stick — A boomerang that doesn’t come back.
suburbia — Where they cut down trees and put in streets named after them.
tomorrow — A great labor saving device of today.
volunteer — Take on work that makes no cents.
yawn — An honest opinion openly expressed.
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders and dropping the tape measures. The whole thing is just a mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length."
A synonym is a word that means the same as another. "Necessary" and "required" are synonyms. An antonym is a word that means the opposite of another. "Wet" and "dry" are antonyms. While synonyms and antonyms are not in themselves interesting, the complexities and irregularities of the English language sometimes make synonyms and antonyms interesting to explore. Many complexities result from words having multiple definitions. A trivial example is a word with synonyms that aren't synonyms of each other, the word "beam," for example, having the synonyms "bar" and "shine." Similarly, some words have antonyms that are neither synonyms nor antonyms of each other but completely unrelated: the word "right," for example, having the antonyms "wrong" and "left."
The word contronym (also the synonym antagonym) is used to refer to words that, by some freak of language evolution, are their own antonyms. Both contronym and antagonym are neologisms; however, there is no alternative term that is more established in the English language.
Contronyms are special cases of homographs (two words with the same spelling). Some examples:
anabasis - military advance, military retreat
apology - admission of fault in what you think, say, or do; formal defense of what you think, say, or do
aught - all, nothing
bolt - secure, run away
cleave - separate, adhere
clip - fasten, detach
custom - usual, special
deceptively smart - smarter than one appears, dumber than one appears
dike - wall, ditch
dust - add fine particles, remove fine particles
enjoin - prescribe, prohibit
fast - quick, unmoving
first degree - most severe (e.g., murder), least severe (e.g., burn)
give out - produce, stop production
grade - incline, level
handicap - advantage, disadvantage
left - remaining, departed from
liege - sovereign lord, loyal subject
mean - average, excellent (e.g., "plays a mean game")
out of - outside, inside (e.g., "work out of one's home")
pitted - with the pit in, with the pit removed
put out - extinguish, generate (e.g., something putting out light)
quite - rather, completely
rent - buy use of, sell use of
sanction - approve, boycott
screen - show, hide
strike - hit, miss (in baseball)
transparent - invisible, obvious
unbending - rigid, relaxing
wind up - end, start up (e.g., a watch)
with - alongside, against
Sourced from RinkWorks
There is always a piper to be paid, and in the case of mailing a letter, you’re going to have to buy stamps. Voila, as the French say, a whole new hobby is born- stamp collecting. And stamps have certainly brought out the best and worst in people, ranging from inspired creativity to inventive uses.
In 1973 the country of Bhutan issued a stamp in the shape of a record that was a real hit. Because when placed on a turntable, it actually played the Bhutanese national anthem. This was one-upmanship over the country of Tonga, who had issued a stamp in the shape of a banana. But it didn’t have as much appeal.
It was Englishman Roland Hill, who suggested that it would be simpler to prepay postage by selling people stamps, rather than to charge the recipient, for each page, of each letter received. That first English stamp, issued in 1840, was the sedate and ever so proper portrait of Queen Victoria, on a black background.
But Australia was a kangaroo hop ahead of them with the concept. They were already sending prepaid mail in the outback, albeit without having to lick anything and stick it on the envelope.
Article from amusingfacts.com
Various Economic Models explained with "Cows"
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on
one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.
You shred them.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market
it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
