Daffynitions are humorous and twisted definitions of English words.
anarchy - Exception to the rule
atheist — A believer in non-belief.
bore — Someone who, when you ask how he is, tells you.
committee — A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
cynics — Ignorant people who are ruining the county.
death — The only escape from taxes.
dignify — A way to make the hole you’re in look good.
diplomat — A person who tells you to get lost and you can’t wait to get started.
dust — Mud with the juice squeezed out.
expression — Non-stop talking.
flashlight — A case for holding dead batteries.
government — A necessity we could do without.
heirloom — A dead giveaway.
inertia — Resisting arrest.
kernel - A unit of corny truth.
light-headed — Halo effect.
locomotive — insanity plea
lottery — A tax on people who are lousy at math.
mosquito — An insect that makes flies tolerable.
normal — 8 on a scale of 1 to 10.
optimist — A person who smells smoke and gets out the marshmallows.
pessimist — Someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
politician — One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
secret — News you tell to one person at a time.
shin — What you use to find furniture in the dark.
sleep — That fleeting moment that ends alarmingly.
stick — A boomerang that doesn’t come back.
suburbia — Where they cut down trees and put in streets named after them.
tomorrow — A great labor saving device of today.
volunteer — Take on work that makes no cents.
yawn — An honest opinion openly expressed.
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders and dropping the tape measures. The whole thing is just a mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length."
A synonym is a word that means the same as another. "Necessary" and "required" are synonyms. An antonym is a word that means the opposite of another. "Wet" and "dry" are antonyms. While synonyms and antonyms are not in themselves interesting, the complexities and irregularities of the English language sometimes make synonyms and antonyms interesting to explore. Many complexities result from words having multiple definitions. A trivial example is a word with synonyms that aren't synonyms of each other, the word "beam," for example, having the synonyms "bar" and "shine." Similarly, some words have antonyms that are neither synonyms nor antonyms of each other but completely unrelated: the word "right," for example, having the antonyms "wrong" and "left."
The word contronym (also the synonym antagonym) is used to refer to words that, by some freak of language evolution, are their own antonyms. Both contronym and antagonym are neologisms; however, there is no alternative term that is more established in the English language.
Contronyms are special cases of homographs (two words with the same spelling). Some examples:
anabasis - military advance, military retreat
apology - admission of fault in what you think, say, or do; formal defense of what you think, say, or do
aught - all, nothing
bolt - secure, run away
cleave - separate, adhere
clip - fasten, detach
custom - usual, special
deceptively smart - smarter than one appears, dumber than one appears
dike - wall, ditch
dust - add fine particles, remove fine particles
enjoin - prescribe, prohibit
fast - quick, unmoving
first degree - most severe (e.g., murder), least severe (e.g., burn)
give out - produce, stop production
grade - incline, level
handicap - advantage, disadvantage
left - remaining, departed from
liege - sovereign lord, loyal subject
mean - average, excellent (e.g., "plays a mean game")
out of - outside, inside (e.g., "work out of one's home")
pitted - with the pit in, with the pit removed
put out - extinguish, generate (e.g., something putting out light)
quite - rather, completely
rent - buy use of, sell use of
sanction - approve, boycott
screen - show, hide
strike - hit, miss (in baseball)
transparent - invisible, obvious
unbending - rigid, relaxing
wind up - end, start up (e.g., a watch)
with - alongside, against
Sourced from RinkWorks
There is always a piper to be paid, and in the case of mailing a letter, you’re going to have to buy stamps. Voila, as the French say, a whole new hobby is born- stamp collecting. And stamps have certainly brought out the best and worst in people, ranging from inspired creativity to inventive uses.
In 1973 the country of Bhutan issued a stamp in the shape of a record that was a real hit. Because when placed on a turntable, it actually played the Bhutanese national anthem. This was one-upmanship over the country of Tonga, who had issued a stamp in the shape of a banana. But it didn’t have as much appeal.
It was Englishman Roland Hill, who suggested that it would be simpler to prepay postage by selling people stamps, rather than to charge the recipient, for each page, of each letter received. That first English stamp, issued in 1840, was the sedate and ever so proper portrait of Queen Victoria, on a black background.
But Australia was a kangaroo hop ahead of them with the concept. They were already sending prepaid mail in the outback, albeit without having to lick anything and stick it on the envelope.
Article from amusingfacts.com
Various Economic Models explained with "Cows"
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on
one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.
You shred them.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market
it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
Lake on Volcano Island in Lake
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
Ecuador.
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
From sheep and horses.
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
Squirrel fur.
6) The Canary Islands are named after what animal?
Dog. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7) What was King George VI's first name?
Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8) What colour is a purple finch?
Crimson.
9) Where is the kiwifruit from?
China
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?
Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.
